Compos Mentis

The Stature of Physiomorphs in Relation to Ability in Producing Tonal Machinations

For any of the thousands who are regular readers of this blog, my ultimate intent should quickly become clear. While I have great interest in a wide range of matters, from the philosophical to the physical, from the sophisticated to the sophistical, from the mathematical to the numerological and of course from the literary to the lateral, my foremost interest has always been music, which obviously explains the length and depth of my devotion to my music minor.

As everyone knows and has been articulated with great subtlety by many of the great thinkers of our time, music is no mere intellectual exercise. Nor is it merely a form of entertainment. Since the dawn of human existence, music has been an integral, if not the most important, aspect of human mating rituals. Compared to any other practical discipline, people are more attracted to musicians than any other. Since you all know this is how I roll, I put some thought into the matter. I naturally figured you would be just as interested in my conclusions as I am.

What is perhaps most surprising is the disproportion between physical attractiveness and musical ability. One would obviously assume that someone displaying some level of mastery over a very difficult style of music, such as, and I'm just pulling this out of thin air, classical guitar, would display stunning physical traits. You all probably have a counterexample in mind, but I assure you that for the most part there is not a correlation. The musicians who are not physically attractive but are skilled still retain some level of attractiveness; this probably has something to do with evolutionary traits and such, but I doubt anyone cares.

What one does find is fairly standard levels of attractiveness among different types of musicians. This is a social division among musicians, and can be seen at all levels of accomplishment. In an extensive survey of high schools in Bountiful, Utah, one can find a recurring pattern. The choir is populated with the prime beef, and within the choir the sopranos and the tenors ascend above the rest. The band is made up of people on the practical level of the hierarchy: these are the people who actually do things in high school. Last comes the high school orchestra, which is the cross-country team of music: underappreciated and underfunded despite the hours and hours of back- and finger- breaking work that goes into the instruments! Oh, the years of oppression and trauma for those hardworking orchestral students!

But for those orchestral musicians who continue in music beyond high school, there is some hope, especially as they move beyond the superficial aspects of secondary school social ladders. Their attractiveness no longer stands on their state within a certain hierarchy, but on the more democratic notion of their physical characteristics. The strata within the world of music still stands, but with a more appealing criterion. Those attractive people who remained outcasts rise to the top once in the professional music business: they become the virtuosos, the soloists who get paid the big bucks and are able to command photo shoots to display their best qualities. Anyone who remains behind in the orchestra inevitably is less beautiful than those in front. This is true, furthermore, of the rankings within the orchestra itself: the concertmaster is more attractive than the eighth row violinists.

Furthermore, attractiveness varies on the solo instrument. Solo violinists are usually the most attractive, obviously, followed by pianists and clarinetists. Cellists are a mixed bag. Many of them are quite attractive, but others, following Yo Yo Ma, believe strangely that looks are less important than the music. Compare Yo Yo Ma to Joshua Bell:


My point should be clear. Besides, the one is holding out his instrument in plain view, almost shielding his body behind it. The other is doing almost the exact opposite, cradling his violin and putting his hands in a certain position to emphasize his arms.

This phenomenon is almost too clear in vocal soloists. It does not take any effort for someone to imagine a soprano, an alto, a tenor, or a bass.




Though perhaps not the best example, the two in the middle are clearly the Soprano and the Tenor, taking up the spotlight, showing off their bodies and full of the belief that they are God's chosen. The Bass on the left is sporting a shadow which will eventually become the standard full beard. The Alto, while sporting a classy red dress, will never quite compete for the spotlight.

In the jazz world, things are slightly different. Whereas the most prominent performers of the classical world are also the most beautiful, in jazz this is not always the case. Great trend setters such as Miles Davis and John Coltrane were not exactly lookers. Thelonius Monk, on the other hand, always looked sharp in sunglasses.

Jazz and rock share the hard rocking bassists, who are usually more dependent on personality or projected personality than looks. Drummers too have this quality, but there is usually a reason why drummers are placed behind all of the other instrumentalists, and I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that drums project far more sound than the rest. In rock bands, the front man who sings and sometimes plays lead guitar, is usually the most attractive, in order to get the most value from their fans. Of course, this is not always the case, and there are times when a band must rely on their musical skills because of a certain lack among all of them, despite the common wisdom.



I, of course, have a particular interest in classical guitarists, but I am afraid to say that the results are mixed. Andres Segovia, I'm afraid, falls under the label of cute old man, while John Williams may not even have that luxury. Of course, there is a new generation of virtuoso guitarists, and some of them, fortunately, are displaying some talent. There is still some hope for guitarists; there are now new performers that we can compare and live up to. They have the knack for inspiration; they give off the hope that says "I can try to reach their level."



So, next time you head to a concert or other musical occasion, you can begin playing the massively entertaining game of "figure out what instrument he or she plays based on their looks". Given enough effort and practice, such skills will ultimately come in handy in real life. Whatever that is.

posted by Emmett @ 08:33