Compos Mentis

And I was doing so well, too...

Christmas break always is a bad time for me when it comes to keeping in touch with people. First of all, I'm usually going back to a place where my laptop doesn't have the constant access to the internet that I've become used to in college. That keeps me from checking and sending e-mail, and of course updating my blog. This Christmas I went to visit some old friends of mine in England, and they don't have internet at all, which in some ways was actually a nice break, but it also meant I was essentially cut off from a lot of the things I pay attention to. I mean, what if I needed to find out some useless information? I couldn't just go and check it out on wikipedia. I honestly don't know what I did with all my time without youtube, either.
I have noticed, however, that it is not just the access or lack of access to the internet that makes me more or less likely to post. I've been back from Suffolk for a pretty good amount of time now. I did have a friend of mine visit from Germany, but I could still have posted while he was here, though not when I took him to London. The fact is, I've noticed, that I really need to have a set schedule before I can get to posting. At Gonzaga, this isn't really a problem. I have my schedule all set up for me. In England, we're pretty much on our own for most days of the week. We have a couple of hours in a week that we need to be at a certain place; other than that, it's all on us. Besides that, this is the first time I've lived in a house rather than in the dorms. This means I have more stuff to keep track of: food, laundry, keeping the bathrooms clean. Strangely enough, this situation seems to motivate me to get all of my work done. I am more disciplined here than I have been at Gonzaga. Sometimes, I think this is just because the work here is harder, but I think a lot of it is just because I have more freedom regarding my choices.
On the other hand, this all falls apart when classes are over and I don't have anything to do anymore. My natural instinct is to be lazy. I have a very hard time getting anything done when the basic goals of the week that I become used to disappear. This break, I've read maybe half the books I wanted to. I haven't cleaned my room, even though every time I walk in I am reminded how much I should. I procrastinate in buying food, to the point where I often wonder what is the better choice - going out at 8 p.m. to buy groceries or to just eat cereal with no milk. I haven't written much. While I was at my friends' house for Christmas, I spent a couple of hours every night before I went to sleep writing a story that I've been working on for a long time. I could do that because I kept a rhythm, but now that I'm back here, but without anything specific to do, all of my energies just dissipate.
I'm not particularly worried about this phenomenon. Next week I start my tutorials, and I'll get back into a rhythm, even if that means I won't be able to have as much time to get "outside" reading done. I simply find it interesting how much easier it is for some people, at least, to pay attention to things when they can block out everything else. "This is something I need to do, this is something I would like to do. I better do the former before I get to the latter." I suppose not all people need be like this. I'm sure there are people one could put into a room with no particular instructions, and they would figure out something to do without any other prompting. I'm sure there are also people that need every hour of their life scheduled out by other people before they can get to work and actually be useful. But in any case, there is a discrete influence by our sensibilities that affect our attitude and attention. I suppose it is possible that I could just gird myself and change my attitude, without having outside influences change. But it seems like a major part of human existence to have one's attitude reflect one's situation, as strange as that may sound. Philosophers and psychologists have wondered for years why people obey orders that they personally disapprove of, just because it is given by a superior. They ask why people in a mock up prison acting like prisoners start being more docile, while the guards become more sadistic. Nothing fundamental or essential has changed: these are the same people, except with the perception of a change of sensibilities.
My introspection is obviously not a contribution in any real way to the solution of these problems, but it seems clear to me that there is a three way connection between one's actual situation, one's attitude, and one's response that is far more complicated and intricate than most people think about.
Anyway, all that to say that I'll be updating more frequently starting next week; also, a peephole into the way my mind works. Hope you came out this side unscathed.

posted by Emmett @ 03:22